Life

I am apologizing now for the following journal, but I have to vent somewhere and this is the best place I know of.

Now for my venting session:

You know how sometimes you feel as though your world is falling apart by the second?

Yeah that would be my life right about now.

I grew up in Southern Orange County for the last 17 years. People there were interesting to say the least. While everyone you meet tends to be nice (there are the occasional snobs), they are still very materialistic. I don't blame them at all, that's just the way life functions down there. Everyone has to keep up with the latest fashion trends, nicest cars, and biggest houses. I decided at a super young age (due to the fact I almost lost my mother when I was in Kindergarten) that I wasn't going to follow the crowd. I have always been very futuristically minded because of that fact and I cared little for the materialistic ideals they held so close. As a result, I had few friends growing up.

And then I came to college. I kept telling myself that now everything would change. I would have the friends I seriously lacked as an adolescent and the confidence in myself that I had somehow suffocated. And gain a boyfriend since I've never had one.

College has honestly been a great experience for me. I have learned so much about myself and how to relate to others. I have also gained quite a bit of confidence in my abilities and in myself. I am changing and I am extremely proud to say that I am changing for the better.

However, that doesn't seem to change the fact that I am still unwanted by my peers. My friend tonight is the perfect example. We've gotten very close over the last semester and we share just about everything with each other in full confidentiality. However, tonight she seemed to act as though I didn't exist and if I wasn't "cool" (yes the hated word) enough to be seen with her. We attended a social event tonight and I asked if she was going to walk home or stick around for a bit. She said she didn't know and continued talking with her other friend. Then a guy we both know and have classes with came up and started talking to us (all three of us) and I guess it had been previously arranged that my friend and this other girl were going over to his house. She acted as though nothing were wrong and I honestly felt like I was complete and utter scum. Then she left with him and the other girl and didn't say good-bye, sorry, or anything. The other girl didn't even meet the guy until tonight and I'm not jealous. I'm just hurt.

I thought my friend and I had a really good, honest relationship. But tonight I feel shafted. I know I can't be invited to do everything with her, but I wish she would've been up front about it and just said, "Hey, I'm going over to (let's call him Joe) Joe's house and I don't think I'm walking home." I would've been, "Great! Have fun and I'll see you tomorrow." I know I'm probably overreacting, but this is kinda the straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing.

And on top of all my lovely friend problems, school is kind of crazy. Nothing I can't handle, just overwhelming at times. And the boy issue. But I won't get into that now.

Anyway I'm asking for any advice you may be able to offer on how to mend this seemingly broken friendship and what I can do to be a better friend because clearly I messed something up pretty good.

Sorry and thank you. For anyone who read this, you are amazing and I thank you for your support.

Love,
Disneydreamer